missmaven: MM (Default)
You have the right, without shame, blame or guilt: In all intimate relationships:
  • to be free from coercion, violence and intimidation
  • to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want
  • to revoke consent to any form of intimacy at any time
  • to be told the truth
  • to say no to requests
  • to hold and express differing points of view
  • to feel all your emotions
  • to feel and communicate your emotions and needs
  • to set boundaries concerning your privacy needs
  • to set clear limits on the obligations you will make
  • to seek balance between what you give to the relationship and what is given back to you
  • to know that your partner will work with you to resolve problems that arise
  • to choose whether you want a monogamous or polyamorous relationship
  • to grow and change
  • to make mistakes
  • to end a relationship
In poly relationships:
  • to decide how many partners you want
  • to choose your own partners
  • to have an equal say with each of your partners in deciding the form your relationship with that partner will take
  • to choose the level of time and investment you will offer to each partner
  • to understand clearly any rules that will apply to your relationship before entering into it
  • to discuss with your partners decisions that affect you
  • to have time alone with each of your partners
  • to enjoy passion and special moments with each of your partners
  • In a poly network:
  • to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want with your partners’ other partners
  • to be treated with courtesy
  • to seek compromise
  • to have relationships with people, not with relationships
  • to have plans made with your partner be respected; for instance, not changed at the last minute for trivial reasons
  • to be treated as a peer of every other person, not as a subordinate
The Relationship Bill of Rights by Franklin Veaux, More than Two
missmaven: MM (Default)
Very few of us were fortunate enough to be raised in a loving and supporting poly household. And even for those that were most of the movies they watched, books they read and relationships they saw were examples of how to monogamy.
We don't get a lot of examples on how to poly, so there's a lot of unlearning and learning to do.

When learning new behaviors or concepts you don't just pluck out the old and replace with the new. It's not a switch in the brain.
It's muscle memory (actually more neural pathway) and we have them because it makes life more efficient. I don't have to think through how to make my coffee in the morning or start my car, I've got it down. My brain just auto pilots.

In the same way, you've learned how to survive in a situation that no longer applies. You've developed an ingrained response, and a lot of these are so second nature we don't even realize we have them.
Trying to develop a new, more healthy way to do it is gonna take time and patience. Each time you practice the new, more healthy thought process it becomes a bit easier. Over and over again you have to mentally choose to respond with the new tactic. Until one day it becomes your go-to response. But even then, in times of stress, you're likely to fall back to those old habits.
missmaven: MM (Default)

A prescriptive label is calling something what you want it to be (regardless of if it is) often in the hope to make it that way. 

e.g. Calling her your girlfriend after just one date isn’t gonna make it true, buddy. 

A descriptive label is a term used to describe an already existing dynamic.

e.g. There wasn’t really a day that we started dating, after about six months we just realized that we were. 

 
Prescriptive labels are ‘wishful thinking’. They’re bad because you’re assigning a value to something that doesn’t exist and asserting a level of pressure on the other person to conform to that ideal.  
 
Descriptive labels tend to form organically and arise after everyone involved is comfortable using that term. Sometime you just start using them because that's what you are and have been for a while. Sometimes you have a conversation about what everyone's comfortable with and come to a consensus that way. 
 
Why use a label at all? Labels exist because we use things like words to more efficiently communicate. You know that coffee cup sitting on your desk? Does it really only ever have coffee in it? Do you sometimes use it for water, too? I bet you do. Then why call it a coffee cup? Why use such a limiting label for something that could be used in so many diverse ways. Did you know you can put things like pens in those, too? You can’t even drink pens!
 
We use a label like “coffee cup” because that descriptor let’s us know what it generically looks like. It’s probably ceramic and has a handle. If I said tea cup you’d have probably envisioned a more demure vessel. Possibly one with a saucer.
Being human beings we understand that it's more efficient to communicate with word despite how imperfect they are. We also understand that labels do not always minutely encapsulate the entirely of an object or idea. We understand it’s simply a word used to communicate a general concept and that that concept is flexible, organic and may vary among different people or cultures. 
 

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missmaven: MM (Default)
Miss Maven

July 2017

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