missmaven: MM (Default)
Had my second therapy session today. Talked about the string of people that I cut out of my life - my best friend, my husband, my father, and later another friend. Each one was a choice to remove an abusive or toxic person out of my life. I feel justified in my choices, but it still hurts.
I loved them. Cared about them. The break up’s weren't angry arguments, they were quiet acceptances. I love you, but that’s not enough. You have to treat me within preset perimeters of decency and you weren't doing that. So you have to go. 
Acceptance is a small quiet room.

I hope that you see what a huge thing it is to have the courage to break your own heart.”
Jeanette LeBlanc, Rebelle Society

I commented to a partner of mine recently that I feel I’ve lost so much innocence. It wasn’t the naïvety of ‘Love conquers all’. It was the belief that I chose good people to put my love and trust in. The realization that I chose wrong.

I wanted nothing more than to have a civil divorce. It’s easy to walk a way and throw the relationship in the trash. Just blame them for all your problems and be done with it. It’d be easy.
But we have a child together, and for that sake I was willing to swallow pride and anger in order to have a civil divorce and remain on friendly terms. My son having co-parents that worked together was more important than any amount of vengeance or justice I felt I deserved.

I did not have a civil divorce. My ex lied to the courts and stripped my rights as a parent for two weeks. During those two weeks he used visitation with my son as leverage to try and upset me, break me, and get me to agree to his outlandish terms. It made it impossible to trust him or feel comfortable letting him into any element of my life that wasn’t necessary for my son. I’m committed to maintaining a professional business-like relationship in co-parenting and that’s it.

I wanted so much to remain civil, to remain friends an he let me down.

I would love to have a father that I could include in my life. I can’t. Some times he’s healthy but sometimes he’s not. And I cut off contact during the start of a downward spiral I’d seen before. I'd like to think he'll come out of it and try to reconnect, but I'm all out of forgiveness this time. I'm done being his scapegoat. 

My best friend spent years telling me that he was first and foremost my friend. I picked up on it immediately - he chases women for sex. He doesn’t have women he’s close to that he’s not having sex with. One day he was going to realize that he was never going to have sex with me and push me away in anger.
He insisted for years that wasn’t the case. And eventually I believed him.
There were several years of flirting and sexual tension and the possibility that we might hook up. But any possibility ended when he decided to use me as a pawn in my own life, without my knowledge and without my consent. 
He kicked me out of his house one night after he tried to come onto me and I told him I had no sexual feelings for him what so ever. That after what he'd done I never would. He’s tried to reconnect numerous times but I’ve turned him down. I'm not interested in reconnecting with someone who betrayed me to the extent that he did. I miss my best friend. But the reality is he’s not there anymore, someone who’s arrogant and abusive has taken his place.

I wish these people could have been better. Could have been good enough to keep in my life. I don’t demand perfection. I’m pretty damn reasonable in my expectations.

None of these relationships ended in a big blow up. I just quietly walked away. They’d all gotten very angry and confrontational by the point that I did. It would have been easier to yell and scream and vent my frustration at all the things the’d done to let me down. But it wouldn’t have solved anything. It would’t have saved the relationship.
What was the point? So much energy had already been wasted and I was just tired. And hurt.

Recently I’ve been starting to sort through all the emotions. I’ll get choked up and cry at a random song on the radio. I find at times I want nothing more than to climb up on a roof top and scream at the world.

It’s so unfair. I shouldn’t have to break my own heart. Over and over. 

You should have been better.


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Miss Maven

August 2017

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