missmaven | (no subject)

River Tam: It isn't mine! The memory it isn't mine and I shouldn't have to carry it it isn't mine! Don't make me sleep again!

Sorting through past trauma had this quote running through my head. Shortly followed by the scene where they make it to the planet, she throws up and then is like, "I'm better now."

Back before the shut down I'd started talking to someone about dating. Everything should have been fine, but there was something about this situation that gave me no end of anxiety. At first I chalked it up to the uncertainty of the pandemic. Then that a partner of mine wasn't 100% on board about the idea. Then moved onto the lingering trauma of dating men that my ex left me with.

But while it took me years to get there, I'd largely gotten past that issue. I shouldn't be having THIS much of an issue. I hadn't before

Maybe it was all of these things together making a perfect storm?

Fast forward six months and I finally got a night where the two of us hung out face-to-face. I talked with him about it and explained the situation that had sparked my interest and my awkwardness. Because, yeah, he'd noticed the awkwardness.

Then the next morning it clicked. Because I suddenly realized what he didn't know, what I hadn't bothered to explain to him, because it's so integral to my history.

Here's what that is:

My ex was a prude. He was afraid of STI's, unwanted pregnancy, promiscuous people, etc. He had a very deep belief that if he didn't actively hold me back I'd fuck anything and everything. He was very certain of this despite my actions to the contrary and my insistence that that wasn't with in my character.

Five years after the divorce and barely that many new sexual partners later, I can definitively say what I knew all along - he was dead wrong about that. I tend more towards Demisexual. I move slow. I'm not the kind of person who will see someone I'm attracted to and then within hours disappear with them to have sex - something my ex was very much concerned about. Constantly.

Through out all those accusations and put downs I knew he was wrong. All those derogatory accusations were wrong because I WASN'T that person.

But this new guy? I went from he wasn't even on my radar to wanting to fuck him in the matter of minutes. And... if if it wasn't so completely out of character that it shocked the hell out of me, I would have been fine with having sex with him that night.

And with that, all that deep down belief that all those accusations where baseless, shattered. I became afraid that I was that person all along. That I deserved all those horrible rants.

It was on such a subconscious level that I didn't know that's what was upsetting me. I just felt really, really terrified of being back where I was with my ex.

Once I realized the seed that was feeding all those emotions it was pretty easy to uproot it.

I am not with that person anymore. It doesn't matter if I immediately WANT to have sex with someone, or if I do sleep with them in a short amount of time. I have the right to do that and the people I'm with would be accepting of it. No one's going to judge me harshly. No one's going to debase me or call me names because of it.

And if they do, that's THEIR problem, not mine.

I'm sitting here looking back through the years. Thinking back to when I was going on a date with a guy and Praxx had seen me to the door, given me a kiss and told me "It's okay if you don't come home tonight".

It made me so panicky. I knew he was being honest and accepting. I knew it. And though I couldn't put it in to words at the time I wasn't okay with Praxx suggesting I was 'that easy'. Because my entire defense was built up around an identity that I wasn't.

And.. it doesn't matter if I am. I did not deserve to be berated. He can't hurt me any more. And suddenly, everything feel so much easier.