The Unbecoming

Within the polyamory and non-monogamy community, there has been a lot of discussion and advice on jealousy. Over the years I've seen mindsets move from the belief that a 'good' non-monogamous person would never feel jealous to understanding and accepting that it is a natural emotional response that can be worked through with the proper techniques. What I haven't seen in all these books, articles, and debates is any discussion on territoriality.

What is territoriality?
When we think of territoriality, if we think of it at all, we probably envision a predator patrolling its hunting grounds or how a dog barks at a stranger approaching a yard. Maybe you thought of territorial disputes between nation-states or how gangs tag buildings with graffiti to mark their turf.

In behavioral psychology, Territoriality is described as “a pattern of attitudes and behavior held by a person or group that is based on perceived, attempted, or actual control of a physical space, object, or idea, which may involve habitual occupation, defense, personalization, and marking of the territory.” *

All of the previous examples I listed illustrate competitive territoriality, defensive measures that guard against unwanted encroachments of owned space. However, territoriality also functions to create a sense of security and cohesion for an individual or within groups. This type of spatial organization allows us to freely maneuver through shared spaces while minimizing disputes.
For instance, a coat draped over a chair as we search for a seat signals 'This chair is taken' and allows us to avoid the possibility of rumbled feathers when someone returns from the bathroom to discover their seat taken.

Irwin Altman*, a social psychologist, described three divisions of territory: primary, secondary and public. Primary territories are exclusively ours and under our control, such as our bedroom or home. Secondary territories are shared spaces that don’t exclusively belong to us, but we may begin developing a sense of ownership and assume they will be available to us when needed, such as a favorite barstool, restaurant, or seat in class. Public territory refers to space that is not owned by the individual but is open to all, such as parks, malls or sidewalks.

Establishing ownership of personal space, such as a bedroom, allows us to feel safe enough to relax and be ourselves. Personalizing a space that is truly ours helps us define ourselves and organize our life and activities. Think of your home, room, or favorite personal space. What have you done to create a sense of personal ownership? How would you feel if it was changed or rearranged without your permission?

One example of navigating this personal territory would be a married couple who share a bedroom deciding that, while they are supportive of their spouse having sex with other people, they are not comfortable with it happening in their shared bed. Designating their bedroom as ‘just for us’ allows them to remain in control of a small space and curtains the possibility of any feelings of invasion or contamination.

Understanding cultural queues and territory markers also minimizes confusion within social situations and can create a sense of belonging and harmony within a shared environment. For instance, when sitting down at the family dinner table everyone knows their typical configuration. When we envision the standardized picture of a nuclear family we probably place the father at the head of the table, mother at his right and children arranged by age in their subsequent seats. There’s a comfortable order. Everyone has a place and they know their place.
But where should we put the mother’s boyfriend? Or the father’s? Where do they sit when they come to dinner? What about when a triad piles into a car to go out? Who gets to sit in the back seat alone?

The simple answer is, as with most personal things, there is no right or wrong answer here. It’s something that everyone involved should discuss and come to a comfortable agreement on.
What makes the matter even more complex is that, not only will each person have their own unique preference on the matter, their need to adhere to an established territory can further fluctuate depending on how they are feeling in the moment. For instance, someone who has had a particularly emotional day or is feeling insecure about their position may need to have their space honored more to help bolster their sense of security and safety. And introducing a new lover into a dynamic is definitely a time for insecurities to arise. For the most part over the years I’ve learned to just take a step back and let the new lovers enjoy their NRE. But this can be difficult for people who are new to the process or have considerably more shared space to maneuver through.

What I have seen throughout the years is that most people are unaware that these microcosms exist at all and are confused about what they should have a right to maintain control of, even within their own house. They try to be understanding and accommodating until someone unintentionally trips over one and it all comes to a head.

In behavioral psychology, there is a phenomenon known as the Unassigned Assigned Seat. In your day-to-day life as you go to work, school, or sit down to eat dinner over time we find ourselves choosing the same seat again and again. And we’ve similarly experienced the sudden righteous indignation when we walk in to find someone else sitting in our unassigned assigned seat. The fascinating thing about the seat phenomena is that not only as our familiarity grows we can begin to feel a sense of ownership without ever making the mental choice or having a valid claim to that ownership, but it can also happen fast. In a study by Gilles Clement of Lyon Neuroscience Research Center and Angie Bukley of International Space University they found that students start settling into their preferred seats starting from the second day of class, and after just one month over half the students were sitting in the same seat every time.

How might this play out in a non-monogamous relationship?
When John and Jill first started dating they smoothly settled into a routine of going on a date most Thursday nights. Both of them were comfortable with seeing each other once a week and due to Jill’s schedule, Thursday’s was the most convenient. After a couple of months, Jill scheduled a date with a girl she’d been interested in for an upcoming Thursday. While John was supportive of her going on the date, he felt hurt and upset when he found out that she'd scheduled the date on ‘his’ night.

The scenario works regardless if you switch out the day of the week with a favorite restaurant, activity, or pet name. Over time, all of these things can come to embody a sense of familiarity or belonging within a relationship. Unfortunately, since we don’t have many if any positive societal scripts on how to navigate numerous romantic relationships we can find ourselves defaulting to established dyadic paradigms even when our intent is anything but. Below is an example of one such situation I found myself in a couple of years ago.

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Unassigned Assigned Beds

When I first decided to move in with Praxx we had a long discussion about what our living situation would look like. Being non-monogamous there were two main options we looked at for sleeping arrangements. The first option was that he and I share a room and use a spare bedroom for other lovers. The second was that we’d each have a bedroom to craft into our own personal space. After considering the options I decided firmly that I needed a room that was entirely my own.

Less than a year out of a controlling relationship I was still recovering from many aspects of my marriage and subsequent divorce. After having experienced numerous encroachments on my personal space from my previous partner I had no desire to work to navigate or negotiate my private space. I would need complete control of my personal area in order to feel comfortable living with a partner again. Praxx was more than comfortable going with the second option, firmly believing everyone should have a space to call their own.

For my part, I delighted in creating a space that was entirely my own, something I hadn’t been able to have in well over a decade. Several months in we’d established a nightly routine. Most nights while I had my own room to spend personal time in, I’d head to his for the night. I would plug my phone in on my side of the bed and take my pills that I had begun to keep on the nightstand. Once we were both settled in I’d snuggle up next to him under the covers murmuring into his chest “You’re so warm” as I drifted off to sleep. My habit of muttering this was so often repeated that he began to taunt me about it.
Retiring to his room at night became so commonplace that neither of us would ask and just assumed we’d be sticking to this established routine. His bed was, after all, so much more comfortable than mine.

On nights when Praxx’s other partners stayed over I was more than comfortable heading back to my own room. Unfortunately, he wasn’t used to living with a partner and a couple of times he dropped the ball and forgot to let me know that he had a date coming over. This meant several times I was left dashing to his room to grab my nightly belongings when his lover showed up at our front door!

These situations left me feeling upset and hurt. I tried to figure out the root cause. Sure Praxx could be more mindful about communicating his date nights. But it wasn’t just about the lack of communication, on these nights more than anything I felt displaced. My regular nightly routine would get completely discombobulated. While I wasn’t upset about him having another lover over to the house, I was getting rather upset over the entire rearrangement of where I belonged.

See, we’d established a routine that we were both sleeping and in part living in his room. It was so prevalent that he even joked off and on that it was our room. I remember feeling indignation whenever he’d say it thinking, “If his room was really ours than he’d make sure to ask before inviting a lover to spend the night”. And eventually, I realized that deep down I had started to feel a sense of ownership over his room.

The reality was neither of us had ever lived with a partner in this manner. Nothing in popular movies or our social network gave us a good example of how to navigate cohabitation with a lover that was more like a housemate situation than a shared bed configuration. We’d both only had the two most common mononormative living situations with lovers: our own room that a partner would use when they spent the night or a shared room when living with a partner. So when we attempted this living situation we naturally defaulted to what we’d known - cohabitation in the same room. It was the only script we’d known.

Eventually, I approached Praxx explaining how I was feeling. I felt that while we’d agreed to have separate bedrooms we weren’t living according to that mentality. The ambivalence of who had the right to control certain areas was creating confusion and rumbled feathers. I wanted to try something new, going forward I would be sleeping in my own room. If he wanted me to sleep in his he’d need to ask, and I would do the same. For the first week or two of the new arrangement, I slept in my own room. Even on nights, we curled up to watch a show in his bed, I’d slip out afterward and head to my room.

The adjustment took a bit of getting used to but after that things got significantly better. I found it wasn’t a big deal when he forgot to let me know a meta was spending the night. It didn’t really affect me. I’d settle down in my room comfortable with all my things where I expected them to be none-the-wiser that his personal space had changed to allow for another person.
Additionally, we both realized we’d felt obligated at times in the previous arrangement to spend the night together. We were both pleased to have the freedom to enjoy our personal space and to this day we have remained contented to keep our separate rooms, maintaining sole control of our own personal space.
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I think the issue we experienced above plays out in a million little ways within poly dynamics. The solution to our situation was a simple but opulent one, not everyone has the luxury of living in their own private room and instead would have to meticulously negotiate what is to be considered sacred and what can be shared with others. What the experience did teach me is that without intentionally checking in and making sure we are living in the way we have chosen we may default into habits without our knowing, often propelled by societal scripts.

What are some examples you can think of where you’ve developed a sense of ownership of a place or object? What types of solutions did you come up with?

Have you ever unintentionally tripped over someone else's established personal space? How was the situation handled in the moment. Was the transgression able to be repaired?

I’ve been doing this poly thing for a couple decades and I’m still finding little entrenched assumptions based on monogamous social conditioning that crop up.

There’s a mono mindset that’s pretty well known within the poly community - we do things as a couple. This tends to manifest in new-to-poly people as trying to date as a couple and then quickly nose dives into unicorn hunting. There’s a lot that plays into that.

Shared-mind mindset
This concept is so insidious. You see it play out in all manner of romantic movies and books.
"We're so in tune with each other.”
“I know what they are thinking.”
“I don’t need to check in with them, I’d know if something was wrong.”
“I know what they want better than they do,” is a particularly destructive form of this shared mindset.

When I was in college my mom got a ruby ring from my father as a present. She told me it was the first piece of jewelry he’d gotten for her that she really liked.
I. Was. In. College.
Now my dad wasn’t the disengaged husband that never got his wife jewelry. In fact, he made a habit of getting her something of note at least once a year by the time I was in my teens and they were well off enough to afford it - mothers day, her birthday, Christmas - there’d be a gift of fine jewelry in there somewhere. How had he gone all these years and not managed to figure out what she actually liked?
It was simple, she never told him.
She had this idea that he should just know, because that’s what love is, knowing your partner so well they don’t have to say it, you just know.
I think that’s a load of shit. No one’s a mind reader. And our society has built a romanticized ideal that encourages a lack of communication. "If you have to ask or explain than you obviously haven't reached the enlighted level of love we're aiming for."
Unfortunately for my mom, she hadn’t gotten the ruby ring because she’d finally opened up and explained what she liked. She saw it in a magazine and liked it so much that she told my sister to tell my dad to get it for her. And he did.
I guess triangulation is kind of a baby step to actually communicating with your partner? Go her?

It's not. Triangulation is an unhealthy communication dynamic that, because it does get some level of information across, can be maintained ad infinitum and people can believe that they are engaging in communication when what they're really doing is playing a fucked up game of telephone where another living human is used simply as the object of transference.
And often that other person will do it. You know why? They're a helper. They're totally 'helping'. And when I say 'helping', what I really mean is enabling.

Anywho, I remember making a commitment to myself that I wouldn’t have a relationship where I expected my partner to read my mind or engage in a game of telephone. We have such high hopes when we are younger. 

Anything you should do I should do with you.
Another area that this enmeshment mindset creates is dating or becoming friends with everyone your lovers or metas are involved with. The dating as a couple or unicorn hunter is a pretty extreme example. What I see happen more often is that a person will slowly (or not so slowly) work their way through all the people a meta is involved with.
Two seems to be the threshold in most of the situations I’ve seen. Someone comes on the scene and wants to date one of your lovers, that’s fine. That’s normal. I mean, we’re poly after all.
Then they want to date another one of your lovers. That’s… that’s okay. I mean, I do have GREAT taste.
Then they show interest in a third lover of yours and there’s this sinking feeling. I remember coaching a friend through an episode of this years back. She expressed feeling like the other woman wanted to be her, all single-white-female-like. You start to feel like they want to take all of your… whatever. That they want to invade all of the many facets that are you, become you.

See the thing about identity is it’s partly defined by what makes us unique, what makes us stand out.
John’s great on the bass guitar, Sue can sing like you wouldn’t believe, and Josh is killer on the drums. These examples are super shallow, and band based, but you get the idea.
When you add another person that plays the bass or one of the other members of the group decides they want to take it up, John might start to question his value to the group. He’s just another bass player. And when you add a third bass player… ho’boy.
So, for everyone’s sanity it’s important to not just acknowledge people’s unique irreplaceableness, but give them space to have that for themselves.

The thing is... that friend of mine? She didn't know that. Poly isn't main stream. We're all making this up as we go along. There's really no movies or books in main stream culture that spotlight healthy poly relationship dynamics. Shit, I can't even find a poly therapist that's in-network. What I encountered when I was younger, and what I see people still struggling with is that they don't know what's healthy. They have no examples to lean on. And this 'dating all the people I'm dating' situation is particularly hard because they've got their fingers into many of the people your close to. Your lovers are in the throws of NRE and you find yourself at risk of alienating yourself from your intimate support network is you voice any rumbles of dissent.
It's also particularly unique to polyam/non-mono relationship dynamics. We know the ins and outs of situation with an overbearing friend who trys to co-opt all our hobbies and friends. We saw that play out in some way in grade school, and all over popular media. But there are no examples of it with shared lovers. And just like with unicorn hunters, the dynamic does exist. By all means, there are people out there that naturally develop one big incestuous poly family. But just like that illusive unicorn, it tends to make us think it might be our norm when in reality it's just a manifestation of society endorsed co-dependency. 

Any friend of your's has to be a friend of mine.
Another thing of note, that's an extension of the last - let people form their relationships on their own schedule. There’s this idea that the people you are dating should get along - I mean they like you, what’s not to like about each other?
That might be the ONLY thing they have in common. And they might like you for entirely different reasons. If you try to force a friendship then it will probably implode and they’ll end up hating each other because they felt pressured and obligated to make it work. Relationships, romantic and platonic alike, need to move at their own pace. Kitchen table poly is an achievement to unlock, not a default setting.
But I've seen it a lot where a new lover get's brought in and there's this NEED for others to like them and get along with them.
I had this happen once with a friend of mine that was disastrous. We were really good friends, he got a new lover and she immediately glommed onto me insisting we had to be friends because I was her new boyfriend's best friend. For one thing, "Girl, if I made it a priority to be best buds with every new girl that came into this guys bed I wouldn't have a life." But the other more important thing, I wasn't in a place in my life to extend that generosity. I tried to tell both her and him this. She felt I was being inhospitable and he tore me a new one. That friendship ended in a fiery mess. For both of them, they couldn't stand the idea that someone so intimately involved in his life wasn't on board with this new person. They NEEDED it like I have never seen.
And I... I seriously resented the idea that I didn't have a right to choose my own connections and at what pace I proceeded with them.

Not sure the point to this in the end. Just getting ideas out and delving more into enmeshed vs. solo mindsets.