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Nov. 6th, 2022 12:20 pm- rhinoponomous
- rhinoponomous
Modern Love quote
Jan. 31st, 2020 04:42 pm"Vulnerability is the animating quality of all love stories, and it can take many forms. In every case, though, vulnerability means exposing ourselves to the possibility of loss, but also-crucially!- to the possibility of connection. You can’t have one without the other.”
- Daniel Jones, Modern Love
Modern Love quote
Jan. 30th, 2020 03:50 pm"With nothing at stake I was charmingly vulnerable."
[snip]
"When our hearts are on the line vulnerability can feel impossible."
- Marisa Lasher, from Modern Love
Solo Poly by Jareth
Jan. 7th, 2020 12:30 pmSaving for future reference. It's long but by far the most comprehensive look into all the aspects of Solo Poly.
I tend to see the autonomy / agency element of solo poly as being integral to the definition and the other elements as being either expressions of that element or supportive of that element but not necessarily requirements of solo polyamory.
― Jareth, But What Does Solo Poly Even Mean? - A Personal Perspective
Everyone is doing the best they can
Nov. 16th, 2018 02:43 pmBeen thinking a lot about the idea that "Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available to them." I think it's a worthwhile concept to keep in mind, but it can be so hard at times. Especially when someone has hurt or betrayed you.
I like to read Brene Brown when I need to sort out my headspace. This quote has been on my mind lately:
I don't' care if you were drunk, altered, had a hard childhood, emotionally distressed, having a bad medication reaction, hungry, tired, et. al. If your actions weren't within your desired character - make amends. Be prepared for it not to be accepted. People don't have to forgive.
Someone commented "... if you're doing your best is it really fair for me to kick you out of my life just because of who you are?"
YES! It absolutely is! YES!
The main purpose of the quote is to foster empathy rather than judgment. And it's fucking hard to have empathy for someone who just hurt you. But I think it also helps to understand what it DOESN'T mean. At no point should "They're doing the best they can..." mandate "I should accept their behavior in my life."
Compassion without proper boundaries is akin to forgetting the commas in the sentence, "I like cooking, puppies, and kittens.
There are numerous people that I've booted out of my life because their best was harmful to me. The thing I'mto keep in mind is that they weren't trying to intentionally harm me. They were doing the best they could but their best was harmful. Even though I was clear about what I needed to keep them in my life they were unable to make those adjustments. At that point, the relationship should be shifted to a dynamic where they can no longer do that.
That's where boundaries come in. Just because someone is doing their best, doesn't mean their best is within your comfort zone.
My father is a semi-functional alcoholic. He's got a whole slew of attributes that go along with that including being verbally and physically abusive. I honestly believe he's doing the best he can. But his best, unfortunately, isn't someone I'm okay with having in my life in any meaningful way. That's fucking devastating. But it's better to accept that he will never be the person I need him to be than to keep slamming myself into the brick wall of denial about it.
I had a guy I dated. He wasn't honest about his sexual habits. I honestly believe he was doing his best given his hangups and life situation. But regardless his actions were putting my sexual and emotional health at risk. So I broke up with him. If he had been more accountable for his actions rather than minimizing them or gaslighting I would probably have been more comfortable keeping him in my life, but he wasn't. So we haven't talked much since the break up.
As an outside observer, I could see the additional potential for them to do better. The things that they could have done to stay in my life. They might even seem down right elementary to me. (Just fucking be upfront and honest with me? In this day of technology and instant communication, how fucking hard is that?) But that's me. They don't necessarily have those tools or insights yet. And that's part of the point of the concept. We judge others based on our toolset or knowledge-base and often forget to understand that their's is different.
We may never know exactly what motivated them to act in the ways they did. But for me at least, it helps to think, given the resources they had at the time, they did their best.
I like to read Brene Brown when I need to sort out my headspace. This quote has been on my mind lately:
“I’ve done the exercise…Folks write down the name of someone who fills them with frustration, disappointment, and/or resentment, and then I propose that their person is doing the best he or she can. The responses have been wide-ranging...One woman said, "If this was true and my mother was doing the best she can, I would be grief-stricken. I'd rather be angry than sad, so it's easier to believe she's letting me down on purpose than grieve the fact that my mother is never going to be who I need her to be.”A nice bookend to help create proper boundaries for this concept is the below quote from the same author:
― Brené Brown, Rising Strong
“Do I believe serial killers and terrorists are doing the best they can? Yes. And their best is dangerous, which is why I believe we should catch them, lock them up, and assess whether they can be helped. If they can’t, they should stay locked up. That’s how compassion and accountability work. Hold people accountable for their actions in a way that acknowledges their humanity.”The thing to keep in mind about believing people are doing their best is that it doesn't remove holding them accountable for their actions. I have this really controversial idea that regardless of what was going on in your life - you still should apologize and make amends for the hurt you've caused if it is safe to do so.
I don't' care if you were drunk, altered, had a hard childhood, emotionally distressed, having a bad medication reaction, hungry, tired, et. al. If your actions weren't within your desired character - make amends. Be prepared for it not to be accepted. People don't have to forgive.
And while those things may explain why your character deviated, they are not excuses.
They are not excuses.
--------------------------------------------------
Someone commented "... if you're doing your best is it really fair for me to kick you out of my life just because of who you are?"
YES! It absolutely is! YES!
The main purpose of the quote is to foster empathy rather than judgment. And it's fucking hard to have empathy for someone who just hurt you. But I think it also helps to understand what it DOESN'T mean. At no point should "They're doing the best they can..." mandate "I should accept their behavior in my life."
Compassion without proper boundaries is akin to forgetting the commas in the sentence, "I like cooking, puppies, and kittens.
There are numerous people that I've booted out of my life because their best was harmful to me. The thing I'mto keep in mind is that they weren't trying to intentionally harm me. They were doing the best they could but their best was harmful. Even though I was clear about what I needed to keep them in my life they were unable to make those adjustments. At that point, the relationship should be shifted to a dynamic where they can no longer do that.
That's where boundaries come in. Just because someone is doing their best, doesn't mean their best is within your comfort zone.
My father is a semi-functional alcoholic. He's got a whole slew of attributes that go along with that including being verbally and physically abusive. I honestly believe he's doing the best he can. But his best, unfortunately, isn't someone I'm okay with having in my life in any meaningful way. That's fucking devastating. But it's better to accept that he will never be the person I need him to be than to keep slamming myself into the brick wall of denial about it.
I had a guy I dated. He wasn't honest about his sexual habits. I honestly believe he was doing his best given his hangups and life situation. But regardless his actions were putting my sexual and emotional health at risk. So I broke up with him. If he had been more accountable for his actions rather than minimizing them or gaslighting I would probably have been more comfortable keeping him in my life, but he wasn't. So we haven't talked much since the break up.
As an outside observer, I could see the additional potential for them to do better. The things that they could have done to stay in my life. They might even seem down right elementary to me. (Just fucking be upfront and honest with me? In this day of technology and instant communication, how fucking hard is that?) But that's me. They don't necessarily have those tools or insights yet. And that's part of the point of the concept. We judge others based on our toolset or knowledge-base and often forget to understand that their's is different.
We may never know exactly what motivated them to act in the ways they did. But for me at least, it helps to think, given the resources they had at the time, they did their best.
The Millers Daughter
Oct. 24th, 2018 03:48 pmThere is an old tale called The Miller's Daughter. The Miller gives away part of his property and all that is on it in a bargain with the Devil. He gives away the property in exchange for riches thinking that only an apple tree is lost. But what the Miller thinks isn't enough. He looses his daughter to the Devil because she is there with the apple tree, he learns later from his wife. The Miller and his wife suffer tremendously from such a great loss. And the daughter too suffers severely going through several trials before finally escaping from the Devil to go on with her life. What the Miller knew, or thought he knew, wasn't enough. His good intentions just to gain wealth were not enough. He did not know that there was something that he did not know. That before he actually lost his daughter to the Devil he had lost her in another way. He had lost, if ever he had it, his ability to relate to her.
If he had truly related to his wife and daughter as real people with real lives of their own he would have at least talked to them about giving away the field before he did it. He would have realized that since they were living on the property it was their backyard, too. And he would have never struck his ill fated bargain or his daughter would have known his plan and would have stayed off the back property. If only he'd asked. Instead the Miller acted for everyone. Even with good intentions everyone suffers if the ability to relate is lost.
- Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You, Patricia Evans
Saying No Reveals People’s True Natures
Sep. 7th, 2018 02:40 pmThe reason I don’t regret setting boundaries? It’s because it is NO and not YES that reveals people’s true natures.
Truly kind and caring people can deal with a reasonable no. Sure, they might be disappointed. But they understand the need for you to protect and take care of yourself, even if it isn’t always convenient for them.
But selfish people? They lose their shit when they’re told no. This could be lashing out with attacks on your character. Or a guilt trip. Or any other number of ways.
...
But the thing is? People tend to look alike so long as you are saying yes to everything they want from you.
When we tell people no is when we really get to know them.
-- Getting to “No” You: Setting Boundaries Reveals People’s True Natures, PolyLand
On boundaries
Jul. 26th, 2018 11:28 am"Once I started thinking about boundaries as the ways I choose to respond when things out of my control are causing me discomfort or harm, my life has gotten a lot easier."
Learning to Set Empowered Boundaries by Annie Frazier Halladay
Over all a really good read about being focused on yourself in your boundary setting. Something I've tried to talk a lot about and make the distinction of in discussions, but never quite seemed to get across. So many people default to seeing boundaries as a means to illicit a response from others, and they neglect to see or are unwilling to back up their boundaries with their own actions. Great examples of ways to do that in this article.
(no subject)
Jan. 1st, 2018 03:53 pmBetween stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
- Viktor E. Frankl
