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"You don't have the time."
Apr. 25th, 2018 12:20 pmA couple weeks ago I was out with a partner and we got to talking about a guy I've started seeing. I was explaining that we didn't talk or hang out that often but that I was fine with that.
My partner's comment was, "You don't have the time." He went on to explain that I was already so busy that I didn't have enough room in my life to take on another partner. I already have two. I don't have the room in my life for three.
It's true, I'm not looking for another partner. That's one of the special things about dating this guy for me. It doesn't have to be serious. I'm not looking for it to go anywhere. There's a comfortable and relaxed feeing for me that I'm enjoying.
But his comment got me thinking.
One, I really didn't. It wasn't that I didn't have enough time for this new relationship to burgeon into a full-on partnership. I just didn't have enough time, period. That in and of itself has been an ongoing issue for me. I desperately needed to figure out how to reorganize my life so that I was making time for the things that were most important to me.
The second thing that struck me was that he was wrong. I did have the time. You will always have enough time if you want it badly enough. The idea that you already have a full life and therefore can't fit another thing or person into it belies a misconception - that your priorities will remain the same regardless of what new things the impending future may bring. People change. People are changing all the time.
It's a ceteris paribus bias, the assumption that all things will stay the same when we as human beings are in a constant state of change.
If I am mindful of my choices, I will be able to arrange my life so that the things I find important do get my time and attention even if they are new or unexpected. One of the things I read in More than Two is the concept of the Game Changer, a person that you meet that changes everything. Whenever you get into a new relationship, be it a friend or lover, they will change you. If you're really getting to know someone and sharing aspects of yourself as well, you will both have an affect on the other and their lives. Every now and then though, someone can come along that changes the entire game. We can't prepare for that. No one can.
Franklin wrote a whole other book on that concept, which I haven't read. From the brief explanation it sounds like while married he met someone who was a Game Changer for him and it caused him to severely alter his life to make room for them.
I'm not suggesting that this new guy is going to be one of these Game Changers for me. If I could predict a direction the relationship will go, it's far more likely to fizzle out than to turn into this shared connection that you upturn your life for. The reason I'm brining it up is that there's this complacency that if you are happy with your life then there isn't room for anything new to come in and completely change it. We all make plans, then life happens regardless.
Over the past week or two, I've carved out some time to really think about what the priorities are in my life. What is it that I want to make time for. And the more I thought about it the more I realized there was a very important person in my life that I hadn't been able to spend a lot of time with. That I hadn't been good at blocking out time for or treating well.
That person is me.
I am my Game Changer. And I absolutely will up-end a significant portion of my life to make sure she's getting enough of my time and attention. She's worth it.
My partner's comment was, "You don't have the time." He went on to explain that I was already so busy that I didn't have enough room in my life to take on another partner. I already have two. I don't have the room in my life for three.
It's true, I'm not looking for another partner. That's one of the special things about dating this guy for me. It doesn't have to be serious. I'm not looking for it to go anywhere. There's a comfortable and relaxed feeing for me that I'm enjoying.
But his comment got me thinking.
One, I really didn't. It wasn't that I didn't have enough time for this new relationship to burgeon into a full-on partnership. I just didn't have enough time, period. That in and of itself has been an ongoing issue for me. I desperately needed to figure out how to reorganize my life so that I was making time for the things that were most important to me.
What is that, though? What are my priorities?
It can be so hard to figure out what you should be putting your focus and attention towards. With so many hobbies, events, people, and all manner of other things it's hard to figure out where they all fit and if they should even fit at all into your life. And I'd been so busy lately I'd barely had time to think.
The second thing that struck me was that he was wrong. I did have the time. You will always have enough time if you want it badly enough. The idea that you already have a full life and therefore can't fit another thing or person into it belies a misconception - that your priorities will remain the same regardless of what new things the impending future may bring. People change. People are changing all the time.
It's a ceteris paribus bias, the assumption that all things will stay the same when we as human beings are in a constant state of change.
If I am mindful of my choices, I will be able to arrange my life so that the things I find important do get my time and attention even if they are new or unexpected. One of the things I read in More than Two is the concept of the Game Changer, a person that you meet that changes everything. Whenever you get into a new relationship, be it a friend or lover, they will change you. If you're really getting to know someone and sharing aspects of yourself as well, you will both have an affect on the other and their lives. Every now and then though, someone can come along that changes the entire game. We can't prepare for that. No one can.
Franklin wrote a whole other book on that concept, which I haven't read. From the brief explanation it sounds like while married he met someone who was a Game Changer for him and it caused him to severely alter his life to make room for them.
I'm not suggesting that this new guy is going to be one of these Game Changers for me. If I could predict a direction the relationship will go, it's far more likely to fizzle out than to turn into this shared connection that you upturn your life for. The reason I'm brining it up is that there's this complacency that if you are happy with your life then there isn't room for anything new to come in and completely change it. We all make plans, then life happens regardless.
Over the past week or two, I've carved out some time to really think about what the priorities are in my life. What is it that I want to make time for. And the more I thought about it the more I realized there was a very important person in my life that I hadn't been able to spend a lot of time with. That I hadn't been good at blocking out time for or treating well.
That person is me.
I am my Game Changer. And I absolutely will up-end a significant portion of my life to make sure she's getting enough of my time and attention. She's worth it.