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This passage from "The Consent Guidebook" by Erin Tillman resonated with me.
[Consent/boundary-pusher storytime]
I had a guy who was my friend for many years. Early on in our friendship, we were at a party where he'd gotten drunk.
He made a comment about wanting to kiss me, I deferred. He stepped forward, wrapping both his arms around me in a bear hug. He then shifted, using one arm to pin both of mine to my side and used his other arm to grab at my face. I tried to turn away and in the process, he scratched up my face before managing to get a good grip so he could turn mine to face his and plant a kiss on my lips. He let me go commenting, "Now that wasn't so bad, was it?".
I remember looking around and seeing other people staring at the scene. I said something to communicate that I wasn't okay with what he'd done, but nothing nearly as strong or confrontational as I would today. It's taken time to get comfortable being assertive when my boundaries are crossed.
I didn't contact him about the situation in the days following because I wasn't sure how to address it. A week or so later we were both at another event. He noticed that I was acting distant towards him and asked what was up. It turns out he'd been so drunk that night he hadn't remembered the encounter at all. He was abashed and apologized profusely. He seemed legitimately contrite about his actions.
I remained his friend for years. There were numerous instances where he ended up blackout drunk and infringed on or crossed other's boundaries. Sometimes to me, sometimes to other people. In the beginning, much like the encounter described above, he was upset and apologetic. But he still continued to drink. In later years, he stopped accepting the other person's account of what happened and would turn it around, blaming them in some way.
And still, he continued to drink.
I've learned not to accept apologies or excuses and instead look at their actions. Are they doing anything to change their behavior? Or just continuing to make excuses?
He still drinks heavily to this day. If asked I will give my opinion of him. He's still extremely active in several of my social circles. There are plenty of people that don't mind him being around or even enjoy his company. He can be really entertaining at parties, but he's a missing step. And it's odd to see the acceptance of that in consent-focused environments.
He's contacted me a couple times over the years since we stopped being friends trying to reconnect. I've politely deferred his attempts. Nothing I've seen or heard of his behavior makes me think he's changed for the better. I've thought a lot about what it would take for me to be comfortable having him in my life again. I think the first step would be for him to stop drinking and to start making amends. But I don't see that happening anytime soon.
[Consent/boundary-pusher storytime]
I had a guy who was my friend for many years. Early on in our friendship, we were at a party where he'd gotten drunk.
He made a comment about wanting to kiss me, I deferred. He stepped forward, wrapping both his arms around me in a bear hug. He then shifted, using one arm to pin both of mine to my side and used his other arm to grab at my face. I tried to turn away and in the process, he scratched up my face before managing to get a good grip so he could turn mine to face his and plant a kiss on my lips. He let me go commenting, "Now that wasn't so bad, was it?".
I remember looking around and seeing other people staring at the scene. I said something to communicate that I wasn't okay with what he'd done, but nothing nearly as strong or confrontational as I would today. It's taken time to get comfortable being assertive when my boundaries are crossed.
I didn't contact him about the situation in the days following because I wasn't sure how to address it. A week or so later we were both at another event. He noticed that I was acting distant towards him and asked what was up. It turns out he'd been so drunk that night he hadn't remembered the encounter at all. He was abashed and apologized profusely. He seemed legitimately contrite about his actions.
I remained his friend for years. There were numerous instances where he ended up blackout drunk and infringed on or crossed other's boundaries. Sometimes to me, sometimes to other people. In the beginning, much like the encounter described above, he was upset and apologetic. But he still continued to drink. In later years, he stopped accepting the other person's account of what happened and would turn it around, blaming them in some way.
And still, he continued to drink.
I've learned not to accept apologies or excuses and instead look at their actions. Are they doing anything to change their behavior? Or just continuing to make excuses?
He still drinks heavily to this day. If asked I will give my opinion of him. He's still extremely active in several of my social circles. There are plenty of people that don't mind him being around or even enjoy his company. He can be really entertaining at parties, but he's a missing step. And it's odd to see the acceptance of that in consent-focused environments.
He's contacted me a couple times over the years since we stopped being friends trying to reconnect. I've politely deferred his attempts. Nothing I've seen or heard of his behavior makes me think he's changed for the better. I've thought a lot about what it would take for me to be comfortable having him in my life again. I think the first step would be for him to stop drinking and to start making amends. But I don't see that happening anytime soon.