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Oct. 18th, 2019 01:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missmavenWatching a friend go into surgery and how wonderful her husband is being is getting me emotional.
In the last year of my marriage I had to have surgery.
My husband literally invited his girlfriend over to spend the night with him the night before - so that he could give me some space.
He made a big steak dinner that night as a 'treat' completely unaware that I couldn't eat anything the night before my surgery.
The morning of my surgery he realized he didn't have anyone lined up to take the kiddo to school/daycare the morning of my surgery other than himself. So he wasn't there when I went to the hospital or went under. My dad had flown into town to be there for me. (My husband at the time suggested he stay and watch my son. My dad flat out told him he didn't fly hundreds of miles to babysit.)
So it was my dad and one of my best friends that were there to drive me to and from the hospital and were there when I went under.
The next day my husband took me and several others out to dinner so that I didn't have to cook. He considered it a big treat, I was just focused on staying upright.
With in a week of my surgery he was yelling at me that there was no food in the house and that I hadn't planned out any dinners - because that was my responsibility. At that point I was legit suffering from surgery induced anemia and tired as fuck.
How he handled the knowledge that I would need surgery, and the surgery itself was the nail in the coffin for me. Despite bragging excessively he didn't show any care or concern for me anymore. It wasn't the first time I'd had to have that kind of surgery. The first time he was there every step of the way. Doting and attentive. Now, he just didn't care anymore.
But rather than be an adult and confront me about it, he decided to push me off the the sidelines, insisting that I not be any work or trouble.
I remember talking to my therapist about this years later and she said "He abandoned you" and I just sat there dumbfounded. I would have never said that because he was also SO damn controlling at the time. And that was the real hell of it, being simultaneously neglected and overtly controlled by the same person.
I am in such a better place now.
In the last year of my marriage I had to have surgery.
My husband literally invited his girlfriend over to spend the night with him the night before - so that he could give me some space.
He made a big steak dinner that night as a 'treat' completely unaware that I couldn't eat anything the night before my surgery.
The morning of my surgery he realized he didn't have anyone lined up to take the kiddo to school/daycare the morning of my surgery other than himself. So he wasn't there when I went to the hospital or went under. My dad had flown into town to be there for me. (My husband at the time suggested he stay and watch my son. My dad flat out told him he didn't fly hundreds of miles to babysit.)
So it was my dad and one of my best friends that were there to drive me to and from the hospital and were there when I went under.
The next day my husband took me and several others out to dinner so that I didn't have to cook. He considered it a big treat, I was just focused on staying upright.
With in a week of my surgery he was yelling at me that there was no food in the house and that I hadn't planned out any dinners - because that was my responsibility. At that point I was legit suffering from surgery induced anemia and tired as fuck.
How he handled the knowledge that I would need surgery, and the surgery itself was the nail in the coffin for me. Despite bragging excessively he didn't show any care or concern for me anymore. It wasn't the first time I'd had to have that kind of surgery. The first time he was there every step of the way. Doting and attentive. Now, he just didn't care anymore.
But rather than be an adult and confront me about it, he decided to push me off the the sidelines, insisting that I not be any work or trouble.
I remember talking to my therapist about this years later and she said "He abandoned you" and I just sat there dumbfounded. I would have never said that because he was also SO damn controlling at the time. And that was the real hell of it, being simultaneously neglected and overtly controlled by the same person.
I am in such a better place now.