Guilded

[missmaven]

 

Made a comment on Reddit that got quite a bit of traction. It got submitted to BestOf and gilded. That's awesome, really made a wonderful night even better. But the responses are what made made me ~wibble~ with all the feels through out Saturday.

[My wife's ex-boyfriend is a douchebag. I feel caught in the middle of a cycle. How do I get out of that cycle? ]

Reading this made me think of some advice I recently gave my 8 yr old son. For several weeks my son would come home complaining about how Evan wouldn't share with him when playing. There was the normal course of questions: "Did you ask nicely?", "Did you tell the teacher?", etc.

Finally I sat him down and explained it this way: Evan doesn't share, you've told me this for weeks. So you know every time you decide to play with him he's not going to share. It's going to get you upset. So don't play with him. Either he'll learn how to share and play nicely or he won't have any friends in a couple years.* But right now he doesn't share so don't play with him.

The thing is, you can't change people. You can only change how you choose to interact with them. We'd like to think getting our feelings hurt is motivation enough for someone to change their actions but a lot of the times it's not. Either they don't care about you enough, or they're too ingrained in their errant behavior to stop. She can't change her ex. And you can't change your wife. The surest way to make an enemy is to insist someone must change. When you do that you become the enemy. She will hate you, not him.

My partner of 10 years is a smoker. He's been trying to stop ever since we started dating. He probably never will and I've accepted that. I'm willing to live with a man who smokes. My standing offer is, if he's ever serious enough I'll be the bad guy but not until he asks. Until then they're his battles to win or loose. I will love him and support him no matter the outcome.

Then you have my father. He's a functioning alcoholic. There have been times in the past that it's gotten out of hand and it's not something I can be close to. It's easy to hate someone because they don't love you enough to change. It's really easy. And it's hard to accept there comes a point where you must fold and walk away.

It's quite possible your wife is in a repeating abusive relationship. This is not to say the man is a douchebag or cruel or entirely at fault. A bottle of wine is all fine and good until in the hands of an alcoholic. How do you help someone stop an abusive cycle? You can't if they don't want to. Know what you're willing to live with and when you need to fold. Know that they will mess up. They will relapse.

I recently had a situation where I identified that a friendship was repetitively hurtful. I wasn't able to handle it and asked my partner to step in and be the brick wall, the mama bear, until I got back on my feet enough to handle it myself. That's never a good day for one's ego. But he did it. And he held me while I cried my eyes out. I'm pretty sure he did it fully aware that we'd be in that same spot again, eventually. While I was insistent on never again. A lot of times we want to save those we love from the pain of life. But people need to make their own mistakes. It's how we learn. (Some of us are really thick-headed) If people get hurt enough, they will change because pain is an amazing motivator.

My son's come home a couple times since that talk upset cause Evan doesn't share. Each time I will hug him and soothe him, because that's what you do when someone you love is upset. Then when he's calmed down we talk about it and I remind him that Evan's not gonna share his toys. That's the kind of kid he is. And if my son chooses to play with him he's gonna get upset. But it's his choice who he chooses to play with.

*Evan might have plenty of friends of his own in the years to come without changing a single habit. It's possible that he does share sufficiently but his sharing or communication style just isn't compatible with my son's. Of all the advice I gave my son that day that's the one piece I really wish I had delivered a bit differently. When I was explaining it to a friend he had a much better approach he took with his son (because we've ALL had to have that sharing talk with our kids), which was to simply say "We don't want to play with someone like that. It's not worth our time." It was a better approach because it didn't teach his son to place judgement on how the other kids actions would impact his life, which is a really easy thing to do.

In the end we have to accept that people make their own choices even if those choices might not have been the ones we would have made. Change your behavior so that you are more comfortable and then let it go. Don't hold on to the resentment. Don't be angry that they aren't the person you thought they should be.

I think my mom spent way too many decades waiting for my father to be someone he wasn't. Or rather she wanted him to be the part of himself that she liked, which he was, but he was also the part of himself that she didn't. People spend way too much time and energy waiting and wanting people to change into what works better for them. My mom was angry at my dad for a long time for failing to do that. I was too for awhile. We waste a lot of energy expecting that people should change.
Accepting someone for who they really are may be the greatest gift you can give, not just to them but to yourself. It frees you.
One of my favorite comments on the thread was simply this: "And now I let go. Because some things are indeed my choice."

 

Some people would call that forgiveness, I call it acceptance. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I've had the phrase "You should forgive [person]," used far too often as a cudgel to say "Get over your hurt and start being nice to them again," to ever think forgiveness is actually about myself and not them.

Over all the responses were a wonderful infusion and a much needed ego boost from some things that have been recently getting me down. I can totally sound like a rational person if I try. I joked with the person that submitted it to BestOf "Years of therapy and introspective personal growth have finally paid off. I can retire in luxury with all these up-votes!" Nope. Wait. Still got to go to the day job come Monday. But emotionally and mentally it was very helpful. 

A Reddit acquaintance turned real life friend had this to say:
"I had actually read through that thread right after it was posted, but didn't linger for the comments because the scenario in question had the feel of a post that would soon devolve into a trainwreck of negativity. I'm pleased to see that didn't turn out to be the case.
Your response is eloquent and highly profound, and it completely deserved the gold and bestof. You sound like an amazing mom and wife, and the internet would be a much better place if more people responded with your kind of caring attention to those who need help. Heck, the whole world is a better place for having someone like you in it. Kudos."

And yeah, I sound really emotionally intelligent in that post. But I'm still human and when the emotional turmoil of fear and insecurity start pumping through my veins I can be as foolish and primal as the next person. I'm copying the post here because I need to be reminded of my own words sometimes. Life get's so busy. We get so caught up in things.