Solo vs. Enmeshed
Jan. 8th, 2020 09:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missmavenI remember a couple years back I was explaining aspects of poly/not being on the relationship escalator to a friend and used a current relationship of mine as an example of two people that would never live together.
Later in private that partner let me know that he was rather upset that I believed we'd never live together.
He was married and owned a house with his wife. She had been insistent that she never planned to sell the house or move again. Logistically there was no way I'd be moving into their house so regardless of any feelings we wouldn't be living together.
I though it was pretty straight forward.
I pointed all this out to him and while he agreed about the logistics he still didn't feel comfortable with the idea of it. It seems he needed to feel like there was a possibility of it somewhere, some how in our future. That it was something we were abstractly move towards.
I think about that schism a lot when I think of what solo poly means to me. I don't need to live with the people I'm intimate with. It's not important to me.
I currently do, and I love my household community. But I no longer feel the need to live with someone because I'm dating them. It's not a 'next step' in my relationship desires. When I think about if I'm interested in living with someone it's about if they're fiscally responsible, if they're a good match in habits, introversion, and cleanliness. All the little nuances of day to day life with out romance motivating it.
He didn't have the same mindset at all. Over time it was something that became more apparent. He functioned on an "Us" mindset, where plans defaulted to including the unit. It showed up in little ways. He'd make me a 'host' of events he had at his house with out asking me and regardless of if I planned to attend.
When I planned events at my house he'd assume he was invited. Which lead to him showing up unannounced to more than one event at my place and making things rather awkward. He would get upset when he realized I'd made plans with out including him. Or on a day he wasn't able to attend when I hadn't thought to include him.
The relationship ended for many reasons which may or may not have been related to this difference. But it was an eye-opening experience for me. It allowed me to see how different solo vs. enmeshed people think about things.
Later in private that partner let me know that he was rather upset that I believed we'd never live together.
He was married and owned a house with his wife. She had been insistent that she never planned to sell the house or move again. Logistically there was no way I'd be moving into their house so regardless of any feelings we wouldn't be living together.
I though it was pretty straight forward.
I pointed all this out to him and while he agreed about the logistics he still didn't feel comfortable with the idea of it. It seems he needed to feel like there was a possibility of it somewhere, some how in our future. That it was something we were abstractly move towards.
I think about that schism a lot when I think of what solo poly means to me. I don't need to live with the people I'm intimate with. It's not important to me.
I currently do, and I love my household community. But I no longer feel the need to live with someone because I'm dating them. It's not a 'next step' in my relationship desires. When I think about if I'm interested in living with someone it's about if they're fiscally responsible, if they're a good match in habits, introversion, and cleanliness. All the little nuances of day to day life with out romance motivating it.
He didn't have the same mindset at all. Over time it was something that became more apparent. He functioned on an "Us" mindset, where plans defaulted to including the unit. It showed up in little ways. He'd make me a 'host' of events he had at his house with out asking me and regardless of if I planned to attend.
When I planned events at my house he'd assume he was invited. Which lead to him showing up unannounced to more than one event at my place and making things rather awkward. He would get upset when he realized I'd made plans with out including him. Or on a day he wasn't able to attend when I hadn't thought to include him.
The relationship ended for many reasons which may or may not have been related to this difference. But it was an eye-opening experience for me. It allowed me to see how different solo vs. enmeshed people think about things.